Dubious State of Mind

Its so confusing !

-We know wat the outcome is..still we try n just keep trying for that one thing we can't ever possess !!

A 100 times we give up...and end up trying one more time !!

-What makes us so vulnerable ? And why ??

-Why is it so difficult to stand strong and just keep up with others ??

-Where are these expectations born from ??

-Why do the most important statements start from "I wish" ???

-Why are our nights so sleepless ??

-Why does that one person who's not meant to be wid us..occupy our thoughts all day long ??

-Why does a brightly blooming relation turn so complicated ??

-Why within a blink of an eye happy times just seem too distant..as if they'll never come back again ???

-Why don't we realise how and when our handfull of smiles slip out like sand ??

-Why does it become so difficult to gather ourselves back everytime we fall ??

-Why does falling seem the most beautiful thing in the beginning when its obvious it would hurt in the end ???

-Why is it so elusiv to give what we get ?? Is it so problematic to love back ??

-Why does every single passing minute seems long as decades ?

-Why even after having our dreams crushed so mercilessly..we still dare to dream ??

-Why does ignorance become so difficult when we know its like our best friend ??

-Why concentrating on the most interesting thing becomes so hard ??

-Why despite of being so sure that the key to happiness is leaving behind the past n living the present...we still want everything back..the old times ??

-Why even when we are furious with that loved one....we cry at their problems ??

-Why is it so difficult to practice the simple solution to 'let go' what we can't change ??

-Where comes this jealousy from ??

-Why even when we have a thousand things to say to our mate...we fall quiet wen they r ready to listen ??

-Why do we then get frustrated for not lettin our thoughts unfold in the first place ??

-How do people act so normal..when they know that inside there are a thousand things that are going wrong ??

-Why does it become so difficult to come to a decision..knowing that the current situation is just a pain to everyone ??

-Why does attachment come wid so many problems ??

-Why doesn't the mind stop thinkin ??

-Why is there no end to these questions ??

-Why is there no answer to any of it ??

--- WHY ??

Po - The light of my life...

I miss you..

What do I miss about you ?

Our first talk...

Our walk till d car..

From fb to messaging to phone calls..

Knowing about you..your likes..dislikes..

Similar interests...

Eating habits..

Your schedules and routines..

Knowing about your friends..

Learning about your moods..

Exchanging hugs and kisses over phone...

The anxiety to meet..

Telling you everything about myself..

Sharing the minutest details..

Making you laugh...

Acting stupid..

Being real..

Talking you to sleep..

Our second meet...

Our first movie together..

Natrani..

Our walk and talks in person at gandhi ashram..

Our first ever hug..

Our ride on your bike..

The tensions during that time..

My uneasiness...ur concern..

Our second hug..and the feeling to just keep holding on..

Your house..

Your green room..

Our first dance..

And how I kept singing..

Sitting so close to you..

Playing with your hand...

The way I was resting on you...letting myself loose !

Your sweet lil kiss on my cheek..

Your hug..the intensity of it !!

The rush to board my train..

Your smile n sparkling eyes when I gave you the flying kiss ..

Talking more..and more...

Being so far..but so close..

Loving each other without a doubt..no expectations..just pure love..

Your trip to surat..

Being at Taj..but yet being unsatisfied !!

The urge to feel your warm hug..your sweet kiss..n still holding back ! :(

Talking all the more openly after that...

Expressing all desires through phone..

Kissing on your nose...

Kissing all over your face...

Hugging was felt just as good as it was when in person..

The news about your job...

The happiness and sadness about u going far from me...

Managing to sneak out..and come all the way to ahmedabad..

Mom and her calls and the fuck up then...

Seeing you at the station..

My fear turning vapour as soon as we hugged...

The feeling of relief..

The security and relaxation of being in your strong arms..

Your hug from behind..in your room...

Dancing together..

The look in your eyes..

The softness with which u held me..

Your face..your smile..your lips...

Your kiss..

My nervousness..

My submission..

Our kiss...

How I held on to you...

How I couldn't stop telling u how much I love you..

Holding your hand all through our way to baroda...

Hugging u..sleeping in ur laps..

Being so vulnerable.. As if mere a look was enough to shatter me to pieces !

Seeing you off at baroda station..

Not wanting to let you go..nor to leave you n go back home..

Talking to you about if all day long..

Trying my best to make you take care of yourself in d new city...

Instructing you about what to do..shouting at you for not having breakfast....

Making sure you were fine there...

Sending receiving pictures..

Trying to keep up with each other..

And...

I want to say no more...

How things changed..

How we grew apart..

How I fought with u..

How we tried keeping ourselves on track..

How you found someone else..

How our friendship turned hopeless..

How I cried..we cried..

How everything fell apart !!

:'(

N today..when I'm writing this.. I don't even know what do u feel..

Not talking to u..I feel very very scared Po..very alone..

I don't know what should I do about the picture I clicked today.. Whom should I show it to..with whom will I talk now.. With whom will I share my minute to minute details.. Whom will I cry to.. Who will ask me to eat.. Who will make me sleep.. Who will kiss me..who will hold me against him till I feel I'm breathing again... Who will love me... How will I survive !!!!

I wish I could stop this..wish I could stop u.. I want to talk to u..I want to see u.. Feel u... Hide myself in ur arms... Forget everything... I want u to forgive me... To please understand... To not let me go so far that it becomes impossible for us to come back together... To Be with me please... Talk to me... Meet me.. See how difficult it is.. To please do something... To please stop the time... Don't let this week pass...don't force me to go away from you...

Being without you is as good as being dead !

Don't let me die...

Correlation

Of course i'm a newbie. Writing doesn't come so naturally to me ! But i like it..and there is more to come !
Punto, its my blog..i'm allowed to scrrible anything in it ! Surprisingly..my previous sad shit(as u call it) made you call me right in the morning. Therefore, I take it as a very good start !
Miss you by the way....
Anyway...


Does it happen to everyone that they start relating to the lyrics of each song they hear when they are sad, or depressed, or happy..or in love ?
Naah, its not the case with me ! I mean..it is...but not like i'd go..OMG its my story *tears tears* !
I just relate to the words..trying to feel what the vocalist must have felt while singing !

Every person..every song..has a story ! Some happy..some sad. But all of them..important !
I personally am too much into Marshall Mathers...known by his stage name as EMINEM ! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eminem#Personal_life

Truly having lived through hell ! A person never having seen his dad... A mother who sued him for defamation ! What would it be like..being in his shoes?!!

I'm blessed to have a father... A mother who loves me..who would never in her dreams want to ever sue me even if i slandered her !
He has his daughters..whom he loves the most... my siblings earn that position !

He has had days when he tried impressing the people around him...made some very close friends....fell in love....made mistakes...was depressed.... yet kept moving !! I'm doing the same !!

How must he have felt losing his best friend ? Now he addresses him as his guardian angel ! Having lost bumble...I relate to his torment !

He depicts his life in his songs....I'm trying to do it through my blog !

I just compared myself to a superstar...realising...his life is way too complicated and messed up than mine ! If a celebrity has had such shitty days...i am just a mango person ! With a average life..average family...average friends...average fuck ups...
Fair enough !


I'd thus take the twists in my life positively. I don't want to exchange my shoes with anyone ! I'm happy with the ones which fit me...and i'll try keep them polished through out the journey ! :)

Twinge

Sometimes when it pains, you realize how important it is to get rid of the it ! I have pain in my tooth..and i hate dentists... but i have to visit one soon ! I just have to get rid of this pain ! Its killing me...
But its not over here...one has to get over the twinges too ! There's no doctor to help u...no surgeon to operate you and help you get over with it !
I'v been hurt too...its pains a hell lot ! But i know i'm not the only one !! But somehow..all this just brings me to a standstill ! Mind flooded with questions...
What bothers me more is...is it worth asking these questions ? Will i ever be answered ? Or is there a answer at all ?? Should i be treating myself like this ? Am i being fair to myself ??
I don't know.....or maybe i do !!
Maybe sometimes there is no cure to your pain...we just have to learn to live with it !
Sometimes there are no answers...or maybe its better to not find answers for some questions!!